‘He wasn’t going if I wasn’t there’: Trump says nothing’s getting done until he and Putin can ‘get together,’ whatever that means

President Donald Trump has declared that peace in Ukraine must wait for his personal bromance with Vladimir Putin to blossom.

“Nothing is going to happen until Putin and I get together, OK?” Trump announced yesterday from Air Force One, undoubtedly while someone desperately tried to hide the nuclear codes. The president, currently wrapping up his Middle East tour in Abu Dhabi, offered this pearl of geopolitical wisdom as explanation for why carefully arranged peace talks in Istanbul collapsed before they began.

The highly anticipated negotiations in Turkey fell apart spectacularly when Putin declined to show up—despite being the one who initially called for direct talks with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. According to Trump’s unique interpretation of events, Putin’s no-show wasn’t because of Russia’s documented pattern of diplomatic obstruction, but because Trump himself wasn’t going to be there. “Obviously, he was going to go but he thought I was going to go. He wasn’t going if I wasn’t there,” Trump explained.

Zelensky, who actually did travel to Turkey for the planned negotiations, didn’t mince words about Russia’s “theatrical” behavior. “He set the date. I responded. I reacted immediately,” the Ukrainian leader stated from Ankara, where he met with Turkish President Recep Erdogan while his defense minister led the Ukrainian delegation to Istanbul’s Dolmabahce Palace. Unlike certain world leaders who shall remain orange-tinted, Zelensky emphasized his country’s readiness for “direct negotiations” and called for “an unconditional ceasefire” as the necessary first step.

Meanwhile, Russia continues to insist on addressing what it calls the “root causes” of the conflict—translation: demanding Ukraine become a defenseless puppet state—with presidential aide Vladimir Medinsky heading their delegation. Their non-negotiable demands include barring Ukraine from receiving Western military assistance or ing NATO or any alternative defense alliance.

As Kyiv endures another night of air raid sirens and families continue to flee eastern Ukraine, at least we can all rest assured that nothing will happen until two septuagenarians with delusions of grandeur can find time in their busy schedules for a cozy chat. Whatever that means.