A confoundingly inoffensive Netflix rom-com threatens to make Lindsay Lohan too powerful on streaming

Social media may lead you to believe otherwise, but deep down, we can all probably agree that it is profoundly disrespectful whenever someone goes out of their way to make sure they don’t offend anybody. What better way to telegraph the lack of faith you have in the civility of others that you try to pre-empt and manage emotions that they probably don’t even play host to anyway?

Rom-coms have long had this state of being down to a science, but Our Little Secret — the latest entry in the Netflix Christmas Rom-Com Cinematic Universe — has somehow found a way to bring this infraction to the next level. So, naturally, viewers are chowing down.

Per rom-com brethren Hot Frosty and The Merry Gentlemen, who all together are ensuring that your holiday watchlist will have no shortage of vein-popping pleasantness.

Our Little Secret stars Lindsay Lohan and Ian Harding as Avery and Logan, two childhood best friends who eventually grow into boyfriend-and-girlfriend, a relationship they maintain well into adulthood until Logan drunkenly attempts a proposal at the exact wrong moment, causing the pair to split. They unwittingly reunite years later at a family Christmas gathering when their new partners turn out to be siblings, and the shenanigans (which are probably emotional for them, at least) begin.

Now, Our Little Secret isn’t actually that thankless of a watch, and that entirely has to do with the fact that it’s more interesting to watch Lindsay Lohan operate in the genre/vibe that she has the most clear-cut ion for (this is Lohan’s third overwhelmingly-safe-and-silly Netflix romcom following Falling for Christmas and Irish Wish, all of which she also executive produced) than it is to engage with the actual proceedings of any of these movies.

Additionally, given the number of times she’s literally played herself as a character, together with her growing list of cameo roles and her roots in some of the most prominent teen comedies ever made, there’s far more of a precedent to watch these films as an expression of Lohan herself rather than straight viewing experiences.

Compounding this is the fact that there’s effectively no precedent to watch these movies as straight viewing experiences in the first place. Our Little Secret in particular has its finger on such an unthinkably sanitized pulse, that any attempt at presenting conflict or drama quickly fizzles into a plot beat that’s defined by its resignation, and evokes no inner response outside of an abstract recognition that these characters are moving and saying things. It’s almost kind of amazing.

And indeed, wouldn’t it be great if real life was that simple just for a moment? If the degradation of politics and contrived culture wars were truly nothing more than abstract flutters that no one acknowledged or engaged with? It would, perhaps, be not so dissimilar to the times when we curled up on the rug and spent an afternoon with Lindsay Lohan, whether it was The Parent Trap, Mean Girls, or Freaky Friday. Yeah, I see you, Lindsay.